Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
