I wannas sexs uuuuu
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
