My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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