theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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