Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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