I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
