youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
