2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
one two three fourrrrnication!
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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