you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
