Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize