My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I need mimosas to revive my soul
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
