I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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