Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My vagina just recognized that song.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
