New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize