mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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