The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
