My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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