I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
