Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize