This is not my ceiling
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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