Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
