soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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