Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
