It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
