I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
you inspire me to be a worse person
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
