We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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