Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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