every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
