I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
