my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
