Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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