if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
