I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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