I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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