Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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