just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
