remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
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