This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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