Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
