btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
