As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
