My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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