It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
