I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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