sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Holy shit dude........stairs
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
