i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize