my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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