Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
