It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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