i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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