Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
