My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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