In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
